Everything, All At Once
by Puck's Favourite Girl
Summary: Everyone has a soul-mate and when you fall asleep, you get to meet in your dreams. But there's a catch. When you wake up, you can't remember a single thing. And while Tony loves Peter like the son he's never had, when it truly matters, he can't remember Peter exists at all. Irondad platonic soul-mates AU


Tony used to hate falling asleep.

The silence broken only by his breaths that reminded him all too well how human he really was. Frail and delicate and one more crack before dissolving into something unrecognizable. Sleep was the quiet of the world's rattling that muted his insecurities and deepest fears. Sleep was rest from everything he needed to accomplish, all the things he needed to prove.

Ten years old and worried about trying to be better to allow himself something as gratifying as rest. Sixteen and terrified of hearing his father's voice reverberate in his head. Twenty-one and plagued with nightmares about regret and crashing cars. Twenty-six and the constant crave of a warm body and bubbles in his veins and pounding music boom boom boom don't let it be quiet- never let it be quiet.

He lives in the cacophony.

Don't turn out the light.

Around him though, the world tumbles into bed. Tony hangs his head, bitter. They can all rest easy, knowing someone who loves them is waiting on the other side.

He had asked Rhodey once, about what it felt like to dream instead of just be drowned in the nothingness of the universe. The way Rhodey's eyes shone- it made Tony tremble right down to his core.

"It's the best feeling ever Tones. I don't even know how to describe it." he laughs, "Well you _know_ I can't. It's not like we can remember anything."

"But how do you _know_ though." Tony insists, unable to wrap his mind around something he couldn't see- couldn't touch- God at least _remember_.

Rhodey softens, sinking deeper into the couch. "I dunno. You just…one day you have no dreams and then then next morning, you just know, that you met someone. You feel it."

Tony rolls his eyes. "That sounds like a fairy tale. You know that right? For all you know, you're just imagining it because everyone else says that's the way it's supposed to be."

Rhodey fixes him with a look. "Tony. You know you're going to start dreaming too right? Everyone gets a soul-mate. It just takes time."

Tony clenches his jaw, a nervous tic when he's too insecure to try and snark his way out of something. "What's the point in a soul mate if you can't even remember them when you wake up?"

Rhodey doesn't have an answer for him.

Tony begrudges him for being happy. A little bit.

He knows he's just jealous.

And he hates himself for it.

Secretly, deep down, he'd give anything to finally get a good night's sleep.

Tony's in the lab in his home. It's bordering on seven a.m. and the birds are chirping in the most obnoxious way and the sun filters through the shutters like an intruder. Tony glares, waving his hand in the air. "JARVIS." he commands, "I don't want to hear a single chirp or I'm going to rip my ear drums out myself."

"Well we can't have that sir." JARVIS replies, as metal barriers slide down the walls.

The room is blissfully silent. Dark too. The space lit up only by the faint blue of his holograms. He dispels them all, collapsing onto the long couch he keeps for times just like these. For once, he craves a sleep so deep his heartbeat will deaden and the exhaustion in his bones will rob him of his thoughts the second his head hits the cushion. Sleep comes quick and painless.

And for the first time in Tony's life, he dreams.

He's in a hospital room. A cheap one- there are three other beds crammed into the space and scratchy pink curtains dividing them. There's not a soul in sight and Tony doesn't even understand what he's looking at until he hears the smallest of cries.

He freezes, turning around to see a little bassinet where the tiniest little baby is wrapped tightly in a blanket decorated with ducks.

Tony's breath staccatos. Is that…is that- the baby cries again and its voice is small and afraid and Tony knows the feeling- of being in a room to empty to be alone in. He rushes over, scooping the baby up and looks into eyes so big they hold the universe. The cosmos glitters in the flecks of brown and splashes of black. Tony stares at the baby's face so entranced he can't look away.

He's never held a baby before. Never even interacted with a child, let alone a newborn. And he knows this baby's just entered the world because this is his soul-mate- the person who's soul was made from the same stuff as his- and Tony's just seen them- for the very first time. He glances down at the bassinet, sees a little card. Peter Benjamin Parker. Six pounds. August 10.

"Peter." Tony whispers and in his arms, Peter cries again.

"Shh, shhh little guy. I got you. I got you." Tony whispers, bouncing Peter gently in his arms.

He doesn't know what he's doing. Doesn't know at all. He's afraid and nervous and utterly in over his head but there's something about a newborn, something fragile and delicate and one crack away from dissolving that makes you want to protect them. To cherish them and love them and coddle them from everything and anything. Tony looks at Peter's face, his scrunched up little nose, his little hairs on his head, his tiny fingers reaching out from his blanket and just-

Tony holds out his hand and Peter grabs onto his finger. It's almost like instinct. Something like fate. Adoration swells from Tony's heart right into his stomach and up to his throat where his eyes film over ever so slightly. "Hey Petey-pie." Tony whispers, too strung to speak louder, "I'm Tony. I'm your soul-mate."

Peter stares at him like he was trying to memorize his face. "I get to meet you in our dreams." Tony laughs, wry, "Well, I have to actually sleep for us to meet. But it doesn't seem so God awful anymore."

Peter grips his finger tighter, moving it in the air. "Yeah, yeah I know. I need to sleep more. I got it captain."

Tony moves to the hospital bed, sitting down and carefully throwing his legs up so as to not jostle Peter. He brings his knees up to his chest, placing Peter in the gap between them and his chest, being careful to support his neck- you were supposed to do that right? Watch out for their necks and everything?

God, you had to watch out for everything didn't you? They were just so small. So helpless. "I won't let anything bad happen to you." Tony promises him, Peter's hands wrapped around both of his fingers.

And Tony knows he can't promise that. He knows he can't. God he won't- he won't even remember Peter exists when he wakes up the next morning. A surge of resentment floods through him. Why? Why would the universe connect you to the person you're going to love most in the world only to rip you apart before you ever had the chance to meet?

Why did the universe dangle happiness in front of him just to snatch it away?

Peter's eyes blink close, he yawns and his little mouth makes the cutest little O and everything awful and negative vanishes from his mind. Tony laughs, it bursts from him uncontrollably. "Can you even sleep in a dream?" he muses, rocking his legs gently, "I mean why not. You're a baby. Do you what you want kid. I got you."

So Peter nods off and soon he's snoozing, his breaths quiet but consistent and Tony finds himself mesmerized by the rise and fall of his chest. He watches Peter sleep for a long time. Long enough that all too soon, the hospital room blurs at the edges and everything around them fades until it's just him and Peter. "Please." Tony begs, looking up at the sky as though anyone was listening, "Please-" but Peter's fading from his hands and all Tony can do is hug him tightly against his chest until Tony fades too.

He wakes up in a panic. He shoots up, breathing hard. He can feel a tear slide down his cheek. For a reason he doesn't understand, his chest feels warm. Like he had been in a tender embrace.

Tony flails off the couch, head darting around. "JARVIS, call Rhodey. Call Rhodey _now_."

Rhodey picks up on the second ring. "Tony?"

"I met my soul mate. I met them- I know I did but I can't- I can't _remember_." he yells and the panic rises deep in his chest and he feels like he's going to drown and burst into flames all at once.

There's a pressure- and intense pressure that won't leave his lungs- he can't breathe, he feels like he's _empty _now. As though everything that used to be enough ceased mattering at all.

Rhodey's quiet on the other line. "I know Tones. It's the worst feeling in the world, knowing they're out there but not knowing where. Or even who."

"I can't- how am I- I have to look out for them. I don't-" look out for them? Why? Who? Do they need him?

God is this just another person he's going to disappoint?

Like he always does?

"_Hey_. Tony. Stop spiralling. It gets easier. I promise it does. It's just hard, the first time. Listen, I'm coming over after work. You're going to be okay. Promise."

Tony's voice breaks. "What if I never get to see them?"

"We have to." Rhodey says, his voice final.

Tony nods, pulling himself back into a whole. "Yeah. We have to."

But even Rhodey must know; there are no certainties in life. Not even with this.

The way the stories are told, when you wake up, you can't remember anything about your soul mate. Not their face, not their name, not the way their voice sounds when they laugh, not even where you were. But on the off chance that you see them when you were awake, when your eyes met their own, your soul will recognize theirs, and you'll both remember. Everything, all at once.

Tony takes an interest in people again. He finds himself catching everyone's eye. He takes walks during lunch, as though trying to expose himself to everyone and anyone, desperate to find the one person he couldn't. The one person he actually needed.

It never worked, but Tony was nothing if not persistent and he never stops trying. How could he? When every morning gave him a fresh wave of longing that had him more motivated than before.

Peter's three now and Tony thinks he's the funniest person he's ever met. Their dream world tonight is Tony's office. He's not quite sure why they're here, but Peter's fascinated. "This is your work?" he asks, in that clumsy baby voice where only the parents ever really know what they're saying.

"Yup. Pretty cool right?"

Peter gasps, "You have toys at work? Wow!" he reaches to grab at the diorama of a new facility being built out of state.

Tony smiles, bringing his chair for Peter to stand on so he can move the pieces around. "We're building that soon. I just have to fix some of the design. I don't know why I hire architects if I'm just going to correct them anyway." he complains, flicking down a tree petulantly.

Peter finds that hysterical, flicking down tree after tree. When Peter's done having his fun, Tony makes sure he's seated before wheeling him all the way to his desk. Peter screeches, gripping onto the handles. "Again!"

So Tony runs around the office as Peter squeals, spinning the chair for added carnival vibes before finally pushing him right into his desk. "Are you the boss now Petey-pie?"

"I can be the boss?" Peter claps the desk excitedly.

"Yup. Anyone sitting in this chair in this spot is the boss of everyone." Tony announces, "So what's your first decision Mr. Boss?"

"Ice cream for everyone every day!" he exclaims and Tony's smile is practically a reflex at this point.

"That's a good choice bud. Very smart. A happy workplace is a good workplace."

"Do you like being the boss?" Peter asks, eyes big and brown and curious.

Tony pauses, does he? He thinks about Pepper and her urging and pushing and infallible persistence. He thinks about the stuffiness of meetings and Director's Boards and all the expectations. He's happiest in R&D, accidentally creating innovations. Maker of miracles. Actually putting into use any of that genius intellect he's supposedly cursed and blessed with.

Peter's still staring expectantly at him and Tony swivels the chair around to look at him. "Not really." he says honestly.

Peter frowns. "Ok. I'll be boss. And you can help me."

Tony laughs, head thrown back and all. He picks Peter right up, gives him a messy smooch on the cheek. "You're a riot, you know that Petey?"

Peter scrunches his face in that way he did when he doesn't really know what Tony said and it's so endearing Tony has to kiss him again. They spend the rest of their time together reading stories that have conveniently popped up in a nice little pile. Peter sits in Tony's laps as he reads through dozens of picture books as though they were the most interesting things in the world.

The office begins to disappear around them and Peter turns in Tony's arms clutching him tight. "I don't wanna go." he cries, "I wanna stay! I wanna stay!"

Tony curls around him, pressing a kiss into his hair. "I'll see you tomorrow kiddo. Promise."

Peter bursts into tears, sobbing even as he fades into reality. "Tony! Tony! Tony!"

When Tony wakes up, his heart feels like it's breaking in two.

Peter's six and he doesn't know how to tie his laces. Tears dribble over his lashes as he sulks on the front steps of his school. "Everyone else knows how except me and this mean kid Derek makes fun of me and it's not fair."

And Tony knows he won't remember the next morning- and the thought kills him-but he spends the next half an hour running through the motions until Peter can tie the strings together in a clumsy knot.

But it holds.

He beams, looking at Tony like he strung up the stars and lit up the sun himself. "I can do it!" he cheers, jumping up and admiring them.

"You did it kiddo. Knew you could." Tony ruffles his hair and Peter grins from beneath his hand.

They play on the swings for a while, Tony pushing him for a bit before sitting on his own. "When do I get to find you in real life?" Peter finally asks, voice heart-breakingly innocent.

And he doesn't sound demanding or annoyed or any of the ways Tony feels. He's asking like it's an inevitable fact he can count down the days to. As though their meeting is assured and foreseen and guaranteed. As though Tony isn't blinded by anxiety in the oddest moments thinking he's never going to meet Peter when he's awake. Never get to hold him and have him be real. See his face and know it's him and not a conjuring in a dream.

But Tony can't ever tell him any of that and swallows hard to say, "You'll know when it's time," instead as though that means anything real at all.

But if Peter catches on, he doesn't say anything.

Tony flies out to Afghanistan today. Pepper has him all set up, she's arranged for his car to the airport and for the jet to leave and he's trying to psych himself up to even do any of this bullshit but when he sees Rhodey, it all melts away. Except, Rhodey seems ecstatic, like he's walking on clouds. "Well look who isn't a sour patch anymore." Tony jokes.

Rhodey doesn't even reply, just pulls out his phone and shows Tony a picture of a blonde woman with a dorky grin making a call sign from inside a plane. "That's Carol Danvers. She's who I see in my dreams."

Tony gapes. Stares harder at the picture, then back to Rhodey. "You found your soul-mate?" he barely breathes.

"Tony- I can't even describe it." But boy does he try.

Tony drinks in his words, drinks in every last drop. Memorizes the relief in the drop of Rhodey's shoulders, the smoothness of his skin like he'd never furrowed a brow. His smile, like the entire world had realigned. "I'm happy for you Rhodey." he says and it's true, it is.

But…

"You're gonna love her Tones. She's the most badass person on the planet and she probably loves cheeseburgers even more than you do."

"How dare you."

They banter on and on and it doesn't stop, even after Tony blows up a mountain with the Jericho and ends only when Tony blows Rhodey off for the 'funvee'. He's right in the middle of taking a photo when the world goes hot and the air is thick with smoke and dust. One down, two down, real live people gunned down in front of him and the tang of blood makes the bile rise in his throat. He stumbles from the car, hides behind a rock. He needs to text someone- Pepper- she knows what to do. She always knows.

But then a missile explodes.

He can feel the shrapnel dig into his chest.

He wishes he were dreaming so he could say goodbye.

He's in a dark place, a black place, his heart is being ripped apart, he's disintegrating, he's becoming undone. He doesn't exist. God how could he exist? He thinks he sees Peter's face, he's sobbing, he's screaming. _Shhh, shhh Petey pie, I got you. I got you_.

Peter grasps for him but then Tony disappears and all he is is pain and he floats in and out of realms. He sees a multi-verse. Nothing and everything is real and true. _Shhh Petey._ Who's Petey? Peter?

Peter?

Who's that?

He's dead. He's sure he's dead. His eyes flutter shut and he sees a scared little boy, face gaunt, eyes scarred. "Tony." the boy whimpers, "Tony, Tony, please." he rocks back and forth.

Tony can't move, he feels pinned to the floor. God his chest feels splayed open, like his heart is open to the world. "Peter." his voice is raspy, weak.

But Peter pounces on him when he hears it. His tears are salty when they dribble onto Tony's mouth. "Tony!" Peter cries, face buried in his neck. "Please. Please Please, I want this to go away I want this to go away."

Tony tries to offer him some comfort before he snaps awake, gasping. There's a battery plugged into his chest and terrorists knocking at his door.

Why is he alive.

He wishes he was dead.

The terrorists beat him. They dunk his head in water until his breath bubbles to the surface and he's gasping for air. They kick him until his ribs crack under the pressure and he hears them snap. They hit him until his eye swells up and his lip cracks open with blood. They dump him on the floor for Yinsen to clean up and when Tony's face touches the cool stone, he feels like he's entered the realm of the dead.

Peter is sobbing so hard his eyes are swelling and his cheeks are puffed up, red. Tony hasn't shed a single tear since he's been in that hellhole but seeing Peter look broken beyond repair shatters him right down to his core. Peter looks at his face, marred and hurt, and his shoulders tremble. "I saw you on the news. You've disappeared in another country and no one knows where you are. They're- they're saying that you're dead but! But!" he cries harder and Tony rushes to hold him.

Peter tumbles into his arms and presses himself as close as he can get, determined to prove Tony's existence. "They're saying you're dead!" he wails again, and his tears are hot against Tony's neck, "But I know you're not but when I wake up- when I wake up-!" his whole body heaves as he gasps on his tears.

"I'm sorry." Tony says and it's the only thing he knows how to say as he rocks Peter back and forth, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Over and over he repeats the words as though they matter- as though they could possibly mean anything when Tony would give anything, he would give _everything,_ if he could take this burden off Peter's shoulders.

And he rages at the universe because it had made a mistake. It should never have put Tony in Peter's life because all he did was ruin things. He destroyed people and he destroyed relationships and he destroyed everything good in the world- God just- just look at what his weapons did. At what he himself had become.

"It's going to be okay. It's-"

"No! No! No! No!" and Peter is eight and young and overwhelmed and he pulls away, eyes bloodhsot, "They're hurting you! The bad men are hurting you and I can't save you!" he looks around, sees the cave Tony's being held in, sees every detail, every crevice, every notable object. "I know where you are and I know what they're doing to you and I know you're Tony but I won't know it tomorrow. Why won't I know it!" and he's screaming now, pulling at his hair, distraught beyond reasoning. "I want to remember! Please! Let me remember!"

And Tony feels his chest seizing. He can't breathe. He stumbles, on his knees, hands on the floor. He's heaving for breath, but his lungs won't expand, and he knows why. He knows why. The universe doesn't want to keep his miserable existence alive. Look what he's done. Look what he's done! He's ruined the only good in this entire awful world.

"Tony! Tony!" Peter's yelling his name and like he was pushing past the gates of hell, Tony forces air into his mouth and gulps it down.

He pushes upwards, defying the world and tries to look strong for Peter. Just that. He could do that. "It's okay Peter. It's okay. You don't have to do anything. It's not your fault."

"Yes it is! I can stop this! I can save you! But I can't remember! I can't-" the world fades and Peter's eyes widen.

He howls, screaming at the dream to stop. To stay. To give him more time. He runs to Tony but the dream gets him first. "I want to remember." he whimpers.

Tony crumbles to the floor.

When Peter awakes, there are tears streaming down his face and a panic that refuses to leave. His every muscle is tense and he leaps out of bed like he's on a mission, like something has to be done.

But he can't remember.

Faintly, he can hear the news playing from the TV. Something about that man…missing in Afghanistan.

Tony avoids sleeping after that. He gets it in small increments, sporadically throughout the day. The last time he woke up he felt so absolutely gutted he could barely stand. And he's not an idiot. He knows whoever he sees in his dreams must know what's happening and he refuses to show them anymore. Absolutely refuses. He can't ever feel that way again.

God what had he done.

So Tony works instead. He builds the suit. When he puts it on, fear pulses through his veins. But he thinks of home and instead of a place he feels Rhodey's hand on his shoulder, smells Pepper's shampoo, hears Happy's grumbling. He thinks of the future and of the soul-mate he desperately wants to meet.

He sets the camp on fire and thinks maybe this will be the one thing that makes him worthy of their love.

When he is found, he buries himself in Rhodey's arms and thinks they must be the safest place on Earth. He sees Pepper and wants to give her the world. Happy grips his arm tight and Tony pretends he doesn't see him wipe away a tear. That night, Tony tumbles into his own bed for the first time in weeks and he could almost cry from the sheer bliss of it.

He waits for Peter in the Parker's apartment living room. It's where Peter feels safe and that's all that matters to Tony. When Peter sees him, healthy and alive and no longer trapped in a cave, his entire expression crumbles into the happiest of tears. Tony holds open his arms and Peter runs into them. "I came back." Tony says.

Peter just cries. "I couldn't save you. I couldn't- I couldn't remember anything. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

Tony grips Peter's shoulders, pushes him out of his embrace so he can look at him. "Peter. This isn't your fault-" Peter shakes his head, pulling away but Tony grips him tighter, forcing him to look at him, "no you're going to listen to me this time. This isn't on you. Not a single bit of it. I got out. I made it home. And I have you to thank."

Peter's eyes glisten. "Who do you think I thought of when I had to escape?" Tony's hands loosen. "I thought about you. About how I needed to meet you."

Peter just stares at him, lip wobbling. Tony wipes his tears, hands cupping his face. "You saved me Peter. Even if you didn't know it. You'll always make me better."

"I love you." Peter blurts. "I really, really love you so please don't die. And don't disappear anymore. And don't go to bad places anymore. I don't want you to go away."

Tony hugs him again, stroking the back of Peter's head. "Okay." he whispers. "Okay." All the while thinking about the suit of armor in his workshop and knowing he's lying.

After coming home, Tony's entire world changes. He cancels the weapons division, he builds a proper suit, he brings down Obadiah, he almost dies, he meets Nick Fury. He tells the world he's Iron Man.

Peter, of course, is ecstatic.

He runs straight towards the armor when they meet in Tony's workshop, tracing all the grooves and staring wide-eyed like it's the coolest thing he's ever seen. Tony hangs back, just watches Peter gush and rave and try to pull off the faceplate unsuccessfully. He knows he won't know why he feels love in his heart when he wakes, but he also knows he'll be left with an overwhelming feeling to protect and to save. When Tony awakes, his fervor to shield the world from anything that could harm it grows tenfold.

It could be from a lot of things, but when Peter turns around, Tony's certain it's the faintest memory of his smile.

"Ok, enough about me kiddo, what's going on in your life?" Tony asks, settling on the semi-circle couch.

Peter pulls his lip, climbing up next to him. "Uhhh well grade three is kinda boring. I finish my work really fast and there's not a lot for me to do but Miss. Taylor makes me be quiet until everyone else is done."

Tony makes a face. "Well that's dumb."

Peter giggles. "Yeah! But Ben says it's important to be polite so." He shrugs again.

"Smart guy."

"You're smart like him. I bet you guys would be friends." Peter declares, with all the confidence of a child.

Tony doesn't reply, just smiles in that oh the things you don't understand kind of way. Ben was a cop, a by the book kinda guy, someone who Peter looked up to. Tony doubts Ben would much approve of him at all.

Not after all he's done.

But he looks at Peter and hopes he can be better. That he can make the world better. So that he never has to see those wide eyes film over with tears ever again.

Except not even months later, Hammer is destroying the city and Rhodey is forced to fight him and he's standing in the middle of a cherry blossom sanctuary with the battle over, gasping for breath and thinking about Pepper. He thinks about every decision he could've done differently. About how he could have told the truth sooner. Cured himself faster. Sniffed out Natasha. Trusted others more. Knocked Hammer's teeth out before he raced in a competition fated to end badly.

He ruminates in the leftover guilt of causing a mess that resulted in the destruction of his expo, millions in damages all around the city and God knows how many injuries.

Maybe even casualties.

God.

But at least he saved that kid. That one naïve little kid, who still thought heroes could be great.

When he falls asleep, alone in his giant bed, he awakens to see Peter clutching a plastic Iron Man mask on the expo stage. "This is so cool!" he gasps, whirling around to see absolutely everything. "I can't believe what happened today. It was so scary! But it was so cool! Because all the bad robots were like boom! Boom! And then they were shooting everything and I got lost and I was really scared and I couldn't find Ben and my stomach started to hurt."

Tony's heart drops right to his stomach. Oh God. Don't tell him. Don't tell him. But he can't even say anything from how dry his lips are.

"And then! The big robot guy came in front of me and I was so scared but I had my mask on like this," he slips it over his face and holds out his hand in Tony's signature move, "and then I did what you always did because that always kills the bad guy and then the robot blew away! And you said 'nice work kid' like you do in our dreams and I didn't know it was _you_, but it still felt a little bit like I…like I knew you?" Peter slides his mask up his face and Tony just collapses to his knees, pulling him in tightly.

"Thank God you're okay." he whispers harshly, face buried in Peter's hair.

"I'm glad you were there...I don't think my blasters would have worked." Peter says innocently, as though his words don't rip Tony right to shreds.

Tony pulls him in tighter, as though there were any space between them anyway. His hands tremble around Peter's shoulders. He should be better.

He needs to be better.

What if the next time he made a series of stupid mistakes the consequences finally caught up to him? What if the next time bad guys came a roaring, he wouldn't be there with a blast and a quick one liner to save the day?

What if Peter gets hurt because of him, and Tony doesn't even remember who he is?

Tony pulls away, brushing his fingers against Peter's cheek. What if one day he's too late and it's Peter's face, vacant eyed on the ground. Would he know him then? In death? Would he realize he'd met his soul mate too late? That the person he loves most in the world had disappeared right from it?

"Peter. You have to stay safe okay? You have to promise me." Tony's voice drops, he's deadly serious.

Deathly afraid.

Peter looks confused. "Of course I'll be safe. If bad things happen, you'll save the day!"

His idealism kills him.

"God I wish I could. But sometimes things get messy and when that happens, I have to know that you'll be okay. Otherwise I can't focus on what needs to be done."

Peter's smile is sad as he raises his hand to grip Tony's fingers around his face. "It's okay Tony. We won't remember anyway."

Tony watches Peter grow and feels his heart expand with every inch taller he gets. For Peter's tenth birthday, the iconic double digits, Tony takes him through a memory of a carnival. They ride the little roller coasters and go through the haunted house and go up to the top of the ferris wheel and go round and around because there's no dream operator to stop them.

Tony wishes he could give Peter the world, but as Peter's eyes glitter with the reflection of the fireworks above, he thinks this might be enough.

Tony joins the Avengers and Peter swears up and down that Iron Man is still his favourite- though he has a definite soft spot for Thor. But Tony can't begrudge him that, Goldilocks isn't exactly easy to look over.

Later in life, Peter starts to tinker. He's interested in wires and motors and taking things apart just to understand them. Tony loves it. He builds labs with his mind and walks Peter through them. He explains how things work and they spend countless nights discussing the secrets of the universe and how to break it down to things smaller than atoms.

Tony doesn't know if it's useless to do any of this. But he thinks part of Peter might remember it. Or at least have an inclination towards it. Either way, it definitely keeps his love of science alive. He comes to their dreams excited about all the little inventions he sketched out, all the ones he tried to build. He talks about documentaries he'd seen and all the places he wanted to explore.

Tony wishes he'd been to the bottom of the ocean just to show him.

(but then he ends up beneath waves heavier than all the world and washes up in Tennessee and knows he can't).

Mostly, he and Peter grow up together. As much as any man already in middle age and a little kid can do that. And maybe he looks at Peter like he's his own kid. Maybe he looks at him and feels that maybe it's okay to keep it steady with Pepper, maybe raise their own squirts.

His heart is certainly big enough.

Sometimes he feels like his heart will gush and gush if he lets it. That if he opens up to the feelings he knows are deep inside, he'd burst into tears and never stop.

Love is beautiful. But it's the most terrifying thing in the world. The intensity of everything, the knowledge of how far he'd go. The things he'd do…he looks down at Peter, scribbling intensely across a sketchpad.

What could be more important than him?

_Nothing_ his heart echoes. _Nothing, nothing, nothing._

But Tony's cursed and everything beautiful withers in his palms.

Peter gets sick and Tony wishes he could give him every organ in his body, every healthy thing, if it would be the cure. The kid is gasping, he's crying so hard his eyes are swollen beyond recognition, his cheeks red and wet. Peter's curled into Tony's lap, knees clenched against his chest like he was trying to squeeze out of existence. "Please- please Tony- please. Make it stop. Make it stop. I can't." he wails, his voice dry and anguished.

Tony's heart clenches and he prays and he wishes and he begs and he pleads. He presses kisses to Peter's brow, rubs his arm in what he hopes is a comforting gesture, runs his fingers through his hair, brushing past two strange marks on his neck. He hugs Peter close, telling him how strong he is. How brave he is. How wonderful a boy.

"You're going to get through this. I know you will. I'm sorry Petey-pie. I'm sorry." He thinks back to when he first saw Peter, so tiny in that little bassinet.

The endearment slips out unnoticed. He's barely used it since Peter's grown. It's too emotional, too childish. But Tony's fear is bigger than his petty insecurities and he thinks about Peter as a little baby, as a goofy toddler, as a naïve child, a sassy little teen. He thinks about how he's watched him grow, into someone turning into a man, on the cusp of adulthood, and knows he absolutely cannot rest until Peter's grey and old.

He can't outlive him. He can't.

But this illness has no identifiable marks of any disease he knows. And Peter's been sick for two days now. Wild angry sickness that consumes him whole. "I'm burning." Peter cries, "My whole body is on fire make it stop." he begs and Tony wills for it to be colder.

Snow drops all around them, it piles atop of Tony's hair, he wipes the flakes off Peter's nose. It snows and it snows but Peter's fever only gets warmer and Tony knows no matter how much he wishes, he can't help Peter where he's real- where anything he did would actually matter.

"Why are you doing this!" Tony finally screams, furious at the sky.

The silence is everywhere.

The snow continues to fall.

"He's sick! And he's hurt! And he needs me! HE NEEDS ME! Let me help him! You sick sons of bitches let me help him!"

Peter cries quietly in his lap.

Tony doesn't know why he's yelling. It hasn't worked before and it won't work now. But he hates himself anyway. Because he could do something, if he knew who Peter was. He could help him. He could cure him.

"Tony." Peter whimpers.

Tony closes his eyes and tries his hardest not to cry.

Two days later, Peter is perfectly fine. But there's a jumpy quality to him, something odd and finnicky. And he looks…he looks… "Is it just me, or did you get really, really buff?" Tony asks, done with hugging him and checking him over to make sure the last remnants of his mysterious illness had gone away.

Peter's eyes widen, he jerks back, rubbing at his arm self-consciously. "I uhh, I don't know what you're talking about…" he chuckles awkwardly but Tony stares at him with a cut the bullshit expression and Peter's avoiding all eye-contact when the scenery morphs.

Peter gapes, horror dawning in his eyes as Tony faintly makes out a creepy lab with live specimens lurking around everywhere. "What the fu-"

"It's nothing!" Peter yells, waving his arms around, "It's _nothing!_"

"Peter Benjamin Parker you better fess up right now or I will literally-" literally what?

What's he gonna do? Ground him?

Peter senses his dilemma- the little shit. "Listen-"

"No _you _listen," Tony starts, paling as he sees a giant _glowing_ _spider_ breaking free from its cage. "_Peter_." he says, his voice a low warning.

"_Tony_." he replies.

His hand rubs at his neck.

And then Tony remembers the strange marks.

He looks back at the spider and then back at Peter.

"If what I think is happening is happening," his eyes flash, "_it better not be happening_."

Peter pales, "It's not- I mean, I guess it _is_ what it looks like, but it's not my fault!" he backtracks, looking panicked, "I mean, I wasn't supposed to be in there but! They should've had better cages! So! Technically!"

"_Technically_!?" Tony raves, "You're telling me you snuck into some creepy ass lab somewhere and got bit by a spider they were probably _experimenting_ on and then you got _deathly sick_ for four days and didn't think to tell anyone?"

"Oh they were definitely experimenting on it." Peter replies in that quick way of his that makes Tony want to ram his own head against the wall.

"I'm sorry, _what_?"

Peter's grin is sheepish. "I uhh. I think I have super powers now."

Tony's gonna faint.

As if demonstrating, Peter jumps seven feet in the air and does a backflip. He lands it perfectly and Tony knows he isn't making shit up because Peter trips on his own laces half the time and has as much coordination as a five year old. "Holy shit." Tony breathes and a chair appears conveniently for him to collapse on.

"I'm also kinda…sticky? I can climb like, anything. And I've been breaking things all day because I just got super strong? It's so weird Tony." But Peter doesn't look weirded out, if anything, he looks ridiculously excited.

And Tony really can't begrudge him this little happiness. He can't. "Yeah kid, that's pretty wack-o. And you're for sure feeling okay?"

Peter looks sheepish, rubbing the back of his neck. "Actually, I think I'm better than okay. I uhh, I cut my hand on the doorknob when it shattered and it literally healed in like, five minutes."

Tony gapes. "What?"

"I think I have super healing. Like Captain America." Peter's eyes go wide, "Oh my God. I'm like Captain America." he gasps again, "Ohmygod I could be an Avenger!"

"_No_." Tony shuts him down quick, not even feeling guilty when Peter's expression falls.

"Why not!"

"Because you're twelve maybe? But mostly because I said no."

"I'm fourteen." Peter mumbles, glaring at him. Tony doesn't even care. Let him glare, as long as he doesn't fight him on it. The sulking's fine.

"Listen Pete, have fun with your boosted immunity and maybe help old ladies get their cats from trees. But try to lie low okay?"

And Tony gets how shitty that is to hear but Tony can't be there for him in the real world and he can't keep an eye on him. And he just can't take any risks. Technically, he's doing really well by not having three panic attacks in a row just by _knowing_ Peter's enhanced now.

But that's the thing with soul-mates. You learn to have a superhuman acceptance of things outside your control. You'll go insane if you don't. And right now, Peter doesn't need to see him break down in worry, he needs to see someone strong and confident.

"You sure you're feeling okay?" Tony asks again.

Peter nods. "Yeah. I'm sure."

Silently, Tony gets up from his chair and walks over to his kid and wraps his arms around him. "I know you're physically alright. But that memory…"

Peter stiffens in his grasp. They stand there, in the emptiness of white space before Peter speaks, voice barely higher than a whisper. "It was really scary."

Tony's hand runs through his hair. "I saw the spider just before it jumped and then it bit me and it hurt so much Tony. It hurt so much. And it was so dark and everything was glowy and weird and I felt so awful but when I got home I couldn't tell anyone because I didn't want to get in trouble. And then I got so sick and…you saw me…it was…I wanted to die." he muffles his voice, burying himself in Tony's shirt. "I really, really wanted it to stop but when it did, I felt like…I felt like a brand new person. A better person."

Tony's lip tightens. He knows this road. It's not a good one. It's how he felt about his suits, once upon a time. Before he realized what made him Iron Man had nothing to do with the metal around his body but everything to do with his soul.

"You were great before you got super powers kiddo." Tony says, pulling away so that Peter looks right into his eyes and knows there isn't a lie in sight.

Peter smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes.

Peter adjust to his powers and two weeks in, he's not shattering things in his hands or jumping too high it's weird anymore. He's happier, more confident. And Tony watches him, wary, but content.

They're happy.

And then Ben dies.

Peter's just fourteen. He's still a child. He's just a _kid_. But that night, Tony is sucked into a setting of Peter's own making. It's an alley way and it's dark out, one streetlight dimly lighting the way. There's a gun, a flash, Peter's curdled scream.

There's Ben, sliding down the wall, hand pressed against the wound, blood spreading across his shirt like it refuses to be stopped, Peter sobbing, running to his uncle and screaming. This isn't real. It isn't real.

Tony's never known they can experience nightmares together but Peter's eyes are raw and red and his cheeks are smeared with blood from where he grips at his face after pressing it against Ben's chest. "Ben, Ben, please no. Please don't go. No. No, no." Peter moans.

Tony runs to him, trying to pull him away from Ben's corpse. "Peter, it isn't real. It's just a dream. Peter!"

"Get away!" Peter screams and his arm flies out, knocking Tony right in the abdomen.

He's thrown back seven feet and he hits the ground hard. Tony's eyes are wide when he stares at Peter, still sobbing at his uncle's side. "I could've saved you. I could've saved you." Peter's shoulders shake, harder and harder.

Behind his reactor, Tony's heart breaks.

He grits his teeth, runs back to Peter determined to try again. He doesn't care how many times he gets hit. He's going to snap him out of it. He focuses, harder than he's ever tried on anything, and wills for Peter's nightmare to disappear. The scenery stutters around them but snaps back into Peter's vision as Tony swears beneath his breath.

"Peter." he calls, making sure to stay a foot away, "Peter listen to me. What happened isn't your fault. It never was. It never will be."

"No, no you're wrong. You don't understand. Ben died and it's my fault. It's my fault." Peter cries, shaking Ben again as though it would wake him up.

"You couldn't have known this was going to happen today kid. How could you have known?" Tony says, gentler this time."

Peter's head falls backwards as it tilts to look at him, tears streaming down his face. "I should've been faster. I could've stopped it. Not him. Me." he brings his hands up, his fingers trembling in the air, "Super-strength. Enhanced senses. A sixth-sense." he lists off bitterly.

Eyes snapping upwards, Peter trembles with his fury, "WHAT'S THE POINT OF THESE POWERS IF I COULDN'T SAVE HIM?" he screams and smashes his fist against the ground over and over, howling.

Tony runs to him, grabs his wrist before he hurts himself more. "Peter stop it! Stop it! Your powers don't change the fact that you're a kid. You're a kid who loves his uncle and who's uncle just wanted him safe. There's nothing you could've done. This isn't on you." Peter struggles more but Tony refuses to let go.

He closes his eyes, demands the universe to change. He forces the world around him to be different. He refuses to not bend it to his will. Ben's body disappears and they're back in that white space with nothing at all anywhere and Tony has Peter tight against him like he's tethering him. "This isn't your fault. You didn't fire the bullet."

"I could've stopped it. You know I could have." Peter goes stiff in his arms and Tony knows he's far out of reach.

He won't hear Tony anymore.

And Tony's out of his depth. He has no idea what to do anymore. But he knows he can't leave. So he stays, with Peter in his arms, and hopes that maybe this, can be enough. Just for now. Just until he figures out a better way.

He won't let Peter fall into the dark.

He won't.

Eventually, Peter starts to heal. Tony's along with him for every step of the way. He holds Peter when he sobs so hard his very voice shakes. He doesn't say a word when Peter screams at him, resentful and bitter. When Peter tumbles into the spiral of guilt, Tony's there to set him straight and remind him that he's more than his powers. That he's human.

And no one more than Tony knows people aren't perfect.

Can never be perfect.

And then the reports come in. Articles about a new hero popping up in Queens, a guy in an awful red and blue onesie jumpsuit thing swinging around with webs and doing all sorts of stunts from stopping cars going eighty miles an hour to catching purse snatchers. Tony's intrigued by him, especially with everything going down with him and Cap and the god awful Accords bullshit. He senses trouble, and he's always been one to plan ten steps ahead.

Except, when he looks closer at the Spiderkid, there's something achingly familiar about him. Something he can't quite put his finger on. When Tony falls asleep, he realizes what that something is.

"Peter Benjamin Parker." his voice is commanding and Peter whips around, confused, and on-guard.

"What?" he asks, panicked.

"Remember when you asked if you could be an Avenger and I explicitly said no?" Tony asks, voice cool and deceptively calm.

Peter pales. "Y-yeah. Yeah I remember that. Kinda." He rubs the back of his neck.

"Hm okay, great, great. So can you tell me then why some guy in a onesie is running around Queens with powers that look _suspiciously_ like yours stopping crime?"

"It's not a _onesie_." Peter retorts immediately before clapping his hands over his mouth. "Shit."

Tony's furious. "Shit is _right_. What do you think you're doing? Does May know?"

Peter goes rigidly straight. "No! And she can't know! She'll just freak out and then _I'll_ freak out and it just wouldn't be good for anyone!"

"Oh right, because adults freaking out over their kids being reckless is totally crazy." Tony snarks.

"I'm not being reckless! I've got everything completely under control! Plus! I have super powers! It's pretty hard to be reckless when nothing seems to stick." Peter defends and Tony's eyes narrow.

"Ya, we're _not_ going to be testing that little theory out by tempting fate. You could get seriously hurt Peter, do you even realize that?"

Peter's arm lashes out in the air. "Of course I realize that! But what am I supposed to do? Sit at home and do nothing?"

"Yes! That's exactly what I want you to do!"

Peter stops and he almost seems to get smaller. "Tony," he says and his voice halts him right down to is core, "I can run faster than anyone. I can lift more weights than anyone. I can sense things others can't. I can help people in a way that actually matters and if I don't step in, when the bad things happen- and something always happens- it'll happen because of me." he catches Tony's eye, "I thought you of all people would understand that."

Tony's speechless. Robbed entirely of words.

"I know you and May keep telling me it isn't my fault, but if I had been more confident in my abilities, maybe I could've saved Ben." Peter's lip trembles, "But I know I can't do anything about it now, but I can do something for someone else. I can make sure no one has to go through that ever again. I have to. And I can't let anyone stop me." Peter juts out his jaw and he looks a breath away from trembling. "Not May." his voice goes so soft Tony can barely hear him, "Not even you."

Tony wants to yell. He wants to threaten and persuade and ground him forever but he can't. Not even just in a practical way. But he looks in Peter's eyes and sees himself reflected in them and knows he can't say a single word because he understands.

He understands so deeply it hurts and he wonders if this is why they're soul-mates. If maybe souls really can be made the same. If the two of them were always destined for tragedy and then rebirth into something more than themselves.

But that couldn't be it.

Because Peter was born good. He was born pure and sweet and loving and perfect in every way and Tony…Tony had to struggle for every inch closer he got to heaven.

"Do you know that I wake up worried for no reason a lot?" Tony says, out of the blue. "I wake up feeling like there's something I need to check, someone I have to see. But I can never remember a thing. It reminds me a lot of when I first became Iron Man, how motivated I felt every morning- which was the weirdest thing for me considering I've never felt anything other than an intense desire to just knock the hell back out- and I never know why I felt those things until I go back to sleep and see you."

Peter stares at him wide-eyed. "You have no idea how scared I am when I see Spiderman swinging through the streets alone and not even wearing a proper suit and I don't even _know _it's you. And now you're telling me you want to go stop crime and I can't even help you and I'm supposed to be okay with that?" Tony shakes his head. "Can't do it. I can't Pete." He walks closer, "You know that when I first met you was the day you were born?"

Tony smiles, softer than the sunlight, "I was younger and stupider and so damn lost and then I saw you in that hospital room and-" Tony shakes his head, looking away, "I don't know Petey-pie." Peter's eyes water at the old nickname, "But since that second, I've never stopped worrying about you. Never stopped hoping you'd grow taller and learn the right lessons without having to hurt too much. I think about where you might go to college, when you might fall in love, who you'll marry, what you'll decide to be, the man you're going to become. And then you tell me you have superpowers and that future I imagined for you just gets that much harder."

His hand rests on the reactor above his heart. "I know what it means to be a hero. It's grueling and thankless and hurts you deeper than you thought you could hurt. I've broken every bone, I've worried everyone around me half to death, I've made stupid mistakes that had giant consequences." he laughs, dry, "I guess it's karma huh? For everything I put Pep and Rhodey through? And God, poor Happy."

"I'm not trying to worry you Tony." Peter says, voice small.

"Yeah, I know Pete. But you'll understand when you have your own kid someday." Peter's eyes shine as Tony gives him a smile that breaks his heart, "You're the most important thing in the world to me Peter. And I've had my heart seconds from death too many times to count but nothing would hurt me more than losing you."

The tears filming over Peter's eyes finally drip down his cheek as he launches into Tony's arms. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." he repeats, over and over and Tony doesn't know if he's apologizing for making Tony worry or because even knowing everything Tony's just said, he still can't stop.

The white around them drips away as one of them pulls away to awaken and Peter cries into his shirt. "No, no, I need more time. Just give me more time." But the universe doesn't listen and Tony wakes up to feel something clench in his chest.

That day, he's flying back in the Iron Man suit because he can't be bothered to drive from the compound back to the tower after another botched negotiation when he catches sight of the webbed vigilante himself flipping onto a roof. Something strange comes over him, almost like he's pushed, he flies to the roof, the sound of his repulsors alerting Spiderman to his presence. Unbecoming of a hero, Spiderman makes an "eep!" noise that has Tony's lip quirk up in amusement.

"Hey Spiderman, how's it hangin'?"

"Oh my God. Oh my God you're Iron Man." He gushes and his voice is surprisingly higher than Tony's expecting, "Iron Man's literally here right now, holy shit." As thought remembering himself, he coughs, stands straighter and- oh God is he trying to make his voice deeper? "Uhh, yeah, I'm doing good. Just, going about my usual patrol. You?"

Tony has to count to five to keep from bursting into laughter. How old is this kid anyway?

"Nothing in particular. I've been hearing a lot about you, thought I'd come check you out in person."

"What? That's so cool I-" Tony flips open his faceplate and Peter's words fall right out of his mouth.

He stares at him for a long time before, "Tony?" the kid's voice cracks and Tony tilts his head.

"…Yeah, that's me, Tony Stark." But just as he says it the kid rips off his mask and Tony sees those familiar brown eyes and the emotion that wells up inside of him is uncontainable.

"Peter. It's- holy shit. Peter!" An incredulous puff of breath and Tony takes three giant steps before he has Peter wrapped in his arms, squeezing him tight.

"My soul mate's Tony Stark." Peter can't stop talking, too elated to think straight, "That's- that's so crazy. Oh my God, that's so insane."

"You think that's insane? My soul mate is a kid running around in pajamas. God I need to make you a suit." Tony says, still holding Peter tight.

"Are you serious? Tony that's so cool. Oh my God!"

"Of course I'm serious. Look at you right now. And at least if I make the suit I can make it as close to indestructible as possible."

The memories of all their past encounters with each other flood their heads and with them, the memories of the night before. Peter's gaze drops before he bites his lip, gathering his resolve. He knows how hard it is, for Tony to swallow his fear and try to let Peter grow on his own. To make his own mistakes despite Tony having made all the same ones before.

"Everything you said yesterday, I just wanted to say I appreciate it. And I love you too Tony. You've been with me my whole life." Peter smiles, but it's sad, "Not a lot of people like that around anymore. And I know you're worried about me but I- when I saw you, for real, I was so happy because my soul-mate was my hero- even when I didn't remember being your kid- I always knew I loved Iron Man. I wanted to be Tony Stark when I grew up. I always have." he grins goofily, shrugging with his hand rubbing the back of his neck.

Tony shakes his head, trying to hide the glimmer in his eyes. "You're going to be so much better kid. You're going to be better than all of us." he promises and he can't help but grab Peter in another embrace, pressing a wet kiss against his forehead as he does.

Tony looks up into the sky and thanks whatever forces may be that decided his and Peter's soul were the same. Because he thinks he would have loved Peter in any universe, in any time, in any place and it wouldn't have mattered if they saw each other in their dreams or not. But he's grateful he had all this time with him. Grateful he deserves even a fraction of the happiness Peter gives him. Of the love he has in his smile. Peter Parker is his kid and Tony would love him until the end of everything.

Tony's never sure about anything. But he's sure about that.

Peter hugs him tighter.

He's sure about that.


End file.
